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Saturday, February 7, 2009

Why Andrea Should Never ever ever be Allowed to have Pens and Paper on a Random Day

Fiiine *sigh*. I'll type the story I wrote up for ya, Ali. But I'm concerned for your computer. This story causes incredible "wtf"s and facepalming. Don't act as if you haven't been warned.

This miserable story had its beginnings in the same place as any miserable story. Junior high, a band room, with two unsupervised students and a mysteriously unpresent authoress (because she'd rather be a horrible artist than play an instrument, mainly because she'd probably break it anyway), being totally innocent. Of course.

The so-called "leading man" strutted over to a common piano, and started to play an original song. Several moments into it, he hears the sound of pencils, paper, and drumsticks falling to the floor.

"Marry me!" this other student, the ever-unpredictable (trust me, no one expected that. Especially not me) Ali squealed, "You sound like freaking Mozart!". Her bandmate, Alex (ack), looked down at the bowing worshiper.

"Uhhh... I have a--" he started to say, but was cut off by the dramatic introduction of the authoress! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!

The door flew open, only to reveal to Andii's eyes the sight of her former "bishie" and her best friend. She charged forward, due to the fact her previously installed "Alex senses", which she hadn't yet disposed of (she says this is because they're expensive to remove but I, the voice in Andrea's head, think there's more to the delay in removal) were tingling and causing ear massages.

"Skittles!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Andi proclaimed, in a battle cry of sorts, rushing forth to glomp Alex and destroy his new admirer.

The "bishie" was landed on, with the evil "former-stalker-not-yet-over-you glomp of doooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom."

Normally, a glomp (grab, latch on, maintain pressure) of this homicidal strength would kill even fully grown men (seen when Andii jumped on Brendon Urie at a Panic at the Disco concert last year), but since Alex never freaking dies, no matter how hard Chad whois becoming very uncomfortable with Alex's repeated sensual comments regarding his "silky" hair, Erica, or his mother tried, Alex would live... And live... And live until one day Chuck Norris and Ali Montoya came along. But that is a story for another time.

Back to this pointlessness, Alex (authoress is sick of his name) emerged from the piano's wreckage with barely a broken arm. Andrea (sick of her name too), still laying on the piano, looked to her left, to see only Ali's gleaming, demonic eyes piercing into her soul. Literally. Andii's skin was burning, and eventually (as in, five seconds later) her small, pathetic, hideous figure was encased in ice (what the flak..?).

Ali smirked, vampiric (oh no) fangs shown. She strolled towards her musically talented idol and victim. She was merely footsteps away from his... Ummm I'd rather not go there.

Suddenly, a shard of ice whizzed past Ali's head, stabbing into the wall. Ali spun around to see Andii's equally-evil grin.

"If anyone gets to *bleepbleepbleep*, it's gonna be me!" she screamed, "SUPER SAIYAN LEVEL TWO!!!!!!!!!!! RAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". tossing sparkly pieces of frozen water into the air.

Ali nodded in silent response, and rushed into a battle of Star Wars proportions, somehow pulling a lightsaber out of her butt pocket (hey, I can't think of everything).

Cowering in the corner, Alex watched his personal harem (yeah, right) fight over his *bleep*, his eyes wide in fear.

"They want to *bleep* my *bleep*?"

The battle raged on for months, and inexplicably, no one, no one at all noticed, probably because they were too busy cussing each other off to bother to notice that a freak, a... Twilight fangirl turned vampire, and a relatively normal dude had vanished. And that the band room had caved in.

The next year, the battle, or should I say war, was still in progress with Ali and Andrea finally exhausted, and Alex in his "emo corner" crying over Chad his devoured baby-back ribs.

With teh (that important) lunge of utter anger, with maybe a little hunger (Alex in the corner eating sure wasn't helping), Ali jabbed her opponent with a wakizashi-thing (that, along with other weapons, had also come from her butt pockets. Not that you realy needed to know...), causing Andii to stagger backwards into... The arms of Fai D. Flourite!!

Ali looked up at the tall, gorgeous, blue-eyed, eye-patched half-wizard, half-vampire, half-pirate epitome of anime smexiness who she had just fallen into the arms of.

Looking down down to view the sword going through her heart, she shoved it further in, because her death was inevitable, and who wouldn't want to go to heaven with Fai?

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!" an intruder, female, with bright orange hair ("red!", she squeals) hair shrieked, sprinting to Andii's side, pulling the sword out and putting a giant band-aid on Andrea's chest.

"Crap," she mumbled to herself, "I was late. I told her that Fai was going to be the death of her." (So apparently, Cassie, of all people, would not want to go to heaven with Fai. Disgraceful!)

Two previously unmentioned Montanian guys, Aaron and Josh (sooooooooooooooo sorry if one of those two is reading this, I tend to use people I don't actually know when I'm brain dead, and I needed a way for *spoilerspoilerspoiler*. Sorry! Again.) walked into the scene of the fight, soaking up the bloody details.

"Why are we here anyway?" the shorter (it's all I know) inquired, not bothering to defend his fellow man Alex from vamp-lady Ali because he's on Andii's side, who was about to *bleep* Alex's *bleep*.

"Because this story's (Cassie knows what's going on) only saving grace is a cameo!!" Cassie, who was finally a junior high student, replied.

Ali, once again extremely close to her prey, Alex, who was now texting gay porn to Chad his mom for a ride home. But Ali's vampiric (ugh) nose caught a new scent: gay men (but Alex is gay too!! Ugh I'm a bad writer.)

She whirled around, facing Aaron and Joshua (♪Oh Joshua fit the battle of Jericho♪ *keeps singing*), and, losing all vampire dingity, out came a fangirlish squeal, awakening Andii's lost soul and seriously concerning Cassie, who has seens bursts of shonen-ai fangirlism from Andrea and never. Ever ever. Wants to see one again.

Ali's eyes and Andrea's transparent empty pupils brightened, and they shouted "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The two once ferocious young (or undead) girls sprinted at the speed of sound towards the two boys, pouncing.

Naturally, Alex was angry about the loss of attention to his attention-whore-ing gifted (remember the piano) self.

Aaron and Josh (Andrea: I'm getting to the point of feeling guilty about this, they're straight I swear, it's just Ali and I thinking any guys in the same room must be gay lovers. ^^" And the fact they're from Montana. We don't even know where Brokeback Mountain takes place. We just know it has gay guys.), luckier than fluff, dodged the incoming glompage, Ali hitting the ground with a tremendous "thump", and Andii, being ghostly, fell through the floor, rapidly approaching the earth's core, where her transparency was flakked into a crisp, and the authoress (or so she thinks) demanded a remake where she wasn't killed into oblivion. She didn't get it.

Finally, after a long year of bruses, squealing, and Alex being too much of an idiot to leave the band room, Ali could feast on Alex's *bleep* in peace. (But isn't Cassie still there? Oh well she doesn't care.)

She once again approached her blond victim, but looking again into the now messy (emo!) corner, two vital things were missing: Alex and his *bleep* (roses are red, violets are blue, I'm sick of *bleeps*, you probably are too), the two great vampire food sources. Ali screamed into the night? day? wall? skies. After dueling Andrea for so long, her gay, the best kind snack had disappeared.

Where could he be!? the thought rose to her mind, but was quickly blown away by an all-not-too obvious answer.

So, to conclude this stupid, pointless, and filled with plot holes EPIC story, Andii made her final (as in, sayonara b*tches, I'm done with this crap) appearance in the form of a giant ferret in a waffle suit, and her and Ali said in unison...

"Chad has Alex and his muffins!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Epilogue:

Cassie's groans could be heard for miles, willing Andrea to return to the grave, errr core, she was making this atrocity worse. If that was even possible.

And then Alex's mom came into the background and began beating them all up for supposedly killing her son. When in reality, it was probaby rape he was undergoing at the moment.

So in the end, they all died. Because Chuck Norris came all the way from Iraq for those pixy stix Alex was supposed to give to Paco to repay the Muffin man. And killed everyone. Which bears the question, who came along to kill Chuck Norris? And who killed Chuck Norris's murderer? Screw it I'm not writing all that.

THEY ALL DIED WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME!?!?!?!

...

Well that was stupid. Let's see.... I do not own any Pixy Stix at all. I swear it Paco, do not ask me. Apologies to all who were in this story... Or onsecond thought no. No apologies. Except for Josh n' Aaron, cause I feel bad for involving them in my epic random stupid... Stuff. Oh and Chad really didn't get proper appreciation. Poor uke. Uke who is very posessive of his seme.

2 little-thingies-not-sure-what-they-are:

Candy Girl said...

LLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLI am seriously worried about you...

Skittle Muse said...

I am too. Oh and i invited Ali to teh bloggie.

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